As a Bi parent, must I raise straight kids to prove that we are not contagious?
As a Bi parent, must I raise straight kids to prove that we are not contagious?
Of course not! Other people's fears and prejudice are no reason for me to perpetuate their oppression in my house. We need to change the outside world's reactions, and prepare our kids to be safe, not continue the cycle.
The question is clearly ridiculous...but it does resonate. The author of this article (posted to the Advocate's website on July 11) covers the topic well. I was actually surprised to read how deeply some queer parents are troubled by fears like these; yet I know that under pressure, when we're scared, it's easy to lose sight of how to stand up for our principles.
As a queer woman, I know better than many how important it is to allow kids to be who they are, and love whom they love, without judgment. But if my children do end up identifying as LGBTQI or otherwise outside of the gender and sexuality mainstream, will I be blamed, as an out Bidyke mama, for "making them gay"...giving fuel to the movement to crush queer families?
Perhaps. But there are steps we can take that don't involve crushing our kids’ souls. America is not (yet) Nazi Germany - I don't need to convert my kids to homophobia to keep them safe. If (when) the world blames gay parents for making kids queer, we'll need to continue doing what we are doing now - promoting the studies that show our kids are just as healthy as anyone else's, working to educate other kids as well as their parents, coming out loud and proud wherever we can, etc.
So we fight politically. But what about the personal? Should we prevent our sons from wearing nail polish to school? Teach our daughters how to pretend to like boys if they don't? No. There is too much at stake. I cannot collude with the world that tried to crush my different views on gender and sexuality. I must align with my children to help them investigate their genders and their sexuality in healthy and safe places. Period. And together, as a family, my partner, my children and I can talk about what's right, and how to be safe.
No, the world still probably won't be safe out there for my kids to question gender and sexuality roles, even if it is already so much safer than it was a generation ago. Yes, we will need to teach them how to cover when necessary and how to protect themselves. AND we must constantly reinforce their right to be and love whomever they wish.
My plan?
I pledge...I know that if it is in my power: My kids will have dress-up clothes from all genders in their costume trunks and in their closets. They will have pink and blue and yellow and green and ribbons and fire trucks and fairy wings and dinosaurs, and I will encourage them to play with anything that they choose. I pledge never to collude with society in preventing my sons from painting their nails, or telling my daughters to sit with their legs crossed; instead I will talk with my kids about the gender messages they receive from inside themselves and from outside themselves; about how to be safe and where to cover, if necessary; and about what to do and say when other kids and parent and teachers tell them that they are doing something wrong.
More: I will not criticize my sons or love them less if they choose to play exclusively with trucks and trains; nor will I celebrate them any less should they grow up to be women. I will not criticize my daughters if they climb trees without shirts or dress as princesses for five Halloweens in a row. We'll talk to them about the gender roles they choose, and why; we'll let them choose their own paths. We have to.
And if my children do turn out to be queer-identified, for a few days or for their lifetime - frankly, it sounds to me like an additional joy. After all, I am currently the only queer-identified person in my immediate family.
I will love my kids no matter whom they love. It's not a question. I will also love them no matter how they vote, dress, or what they major in. :) I'll love them even if they wish their Mom would conform more (perish the thought). But/and if they happen to share Mama's discomfort with the mainstream binary gender paradigm...well, that's just so much the better!
image is a tee from Little Lefties, a company that follows strict environmental and social justice standards AND makes fabulous baby wear! As my brother said, there's nothing so cute as a two-month-old in an anarchist hat. Check them out!